I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
