I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
