he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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