im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
