I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
there was a trapeze. enough said
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
