Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
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