the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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