My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
me + whiskey = a bad person
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
