didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
