maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
40s are totally the cure
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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