the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
