They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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