yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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