you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
