mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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