so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
