Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
