it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
