woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
