my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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