Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
