i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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