forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
