i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
