I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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