walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
