Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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