Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Randomize
