don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
