me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
