Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
