STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
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