i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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