Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
