now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
