So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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