I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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