I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
