He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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