I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Randomize
