I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
