If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
well I can't set my house on fire every night
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
