life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
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