I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
