I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Randomize
