arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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