Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I need moral support for this bender
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
