I accidentally had phone sex last night
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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