I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
