oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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